It's Christmas morning and one of our oldest (longest?) members, Andy, sends this Christmas gift. Nothing to do with wrestling, but he hopes we all enjoy it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was born Christmas Day, her parents christened her ‘Merry’
They celebrated hard with a bottle of sherry
She was such a pretty girl and everyone liked her
Her father was a milkman, her mother was a biker
She was a nice girl but she wasn’t too bright
She had a habit of not getting things right
She would say things and no matter how much she tried
When she opened her mouth, she put her foot right inside
At the firms Christmas party she went on her own
She smiled at a guy who was stood all alone
He said ‘I’ve not had the pleasure before’
She said ‘Come on then, let’s get on the floor’
As she danced with the guy she looked into his eyes
When she said she was Merry, he looked quite surprised
He said ‘My name’s Jack, shall we go for a walk?’
She said ‘ First do your zip up, I can see your beanstalk’
She listened quite proudly as he told his friends
‘She was so pretty, my broken heart could mend
Really such a lovely sight, such a pretty little thing
Was the loveliest hand I’ve ever held – 4 Aces and a King’
He loved Dr Who and discussed it at length
She’d never seen it, didn’t know what he meant
‘Have you been in The Tardis?’ he said with a sneer
She said ‘Jack, I’ve been in all of the pubs around here’
She'd worked as a waitress but she got the sack
She hated her boss and she wouldn't go back
He moaned all the time about her being late
And asking 'Would you like it served on a plate?'
She got into trouble when she went to the shop
She’d been making clothes and she just couldn’t stop
She told the guy she was making a belt
She asked ‘Can you tell me where I can get felt?’
She went into town to buy her Christmas Day dress
She had only one job but she got in a mess
She tried one on and she thought she looked cute
She said 'Do you want to see me in my birthday suit? '
'How much are your stockings?' she said to the guy
'Do you think they will suit me?' as she fluttered her eyes
He said 'You'll look great and they're on a good deal'
She said 'I'll try them on, you can see how they feel'
She went to the market to buy a new tree
She found one she liked and she bought it with glee
'Will you put it up yourself?' asked the man with a frown
She said 'Don't be so rude, it goes up in the lounge'
She went to the pub where the music was loud
She sat on a stool and attracted a crowd
She said to the landlord ‘What’s got this place rocking?’
He said ‘You in that dress, they can all see your stockings’
She said ‘I need a push, is anyone keen?’
The pub emptied quicker than I’ve ever seen
But the car park was empty, no cars, not a thing
She called to the lads ‘I’m here, on the swing’
'My name is Merry' she once told a man
'Dad says it suits me because that's what I am'
She said to him 'Do you know my sister, May?'
He said 'Thanks for the tip, I'll be round Christmas Day!'
She said 'I'm dressed as Rudolph, my nose is so bright'
He asked 'Will you pull my sleigh through the night?'
She said 'Do you call it that because it brings lots of cheer?'
He said 'I call it that because it works once a year'
She went away for the weekend on a blind date
It was snowing outside but they just couldn't wait
When she returned she had a cold and a cough
She said 'We were both frozen solid, so I just broke it off'
She got chatted up by a guy in a bar
He took her home in his mighty flash car
He said 'You tell me when' , as he poured her a drink
'When I've finished that' she said with a wink
She wanted her tree to be the best in town
It was 60 feet tall from the top to the ground
I said 'Where did you get it? That tree is immense'
She said 'Trafalgar Square, it was the only one left'
She wanted an angel to sit on the top
She got one cheap from a pound discount shop
It was obvious to me the shopkeeper had played her
I said 'That is no angel, but it sure is Darth Vader.'
She got her friend to help put up her lights
He had some in both hands and some around his neck tight
They laughed and they joked and she felt like a flirt
She said 'I'll turn you on now' , as he looked up her skirt
She did up her house, there were lights all around
In all the windows and some on the ground
But she was upset, she had tears on her face
She said 'NASA complained, they can see them from space'
She went to the Bakers to order her cake
She said 'I've been to the Butchers but I made a mistake'
'I told him I come here because I like your muffins'
'And I went to him because I needed stuffing'
She found a lamp and she rubbed it with glee
A Genie appeared and said 'Wishes, you have three'
'But you should be careful, I'll just make that clear'
'I wished for a home and they put me in here'
So she made a wish and she smiled with delight
As she thought of the pleasure that she'd have that night
But the Genie was deaf and he got it all wrong
She ended up with a pianist that was 12 inches long
She built a snowman one white Christmas Eve
She dressed it as Santa 'cos she still believed
She said 'Why, Santa, you have such a big nose'
He said 'The harder you rub it, the bigger it grows'
She helped an old Santa who was caught in a storm
He was soaked through and so she took him home
She took off his trousers and threw up her guts
That's when she found out she's allergic to nuts
The open- air panto was performed in the park
She needed the loo and stumbled off in the dark
When she returned, she'd been gone only a minute
She got a standing ovation because she'd been in it
She organised panto's for her local school
She had no problem with playing the fool
She loved playing Snow White, a princess on the page
She said she felt Happy all night on the stage
She was offered the part of Dick Whittington's cat
She argued her case that she wouldn't play that
As I stood and watched her, she made me feel sick
When she shouted out ' You all know I want Dick'
Her friend made her dinner, he cooked in the nude
When he told Merry, she dropped all her food
She got down on the floor but as she bent her knees
That's when she saw his festive centrepiece
She went to a party, for swingers, I believe
She didn't realise until they asked for her keys
When she returned, I asked 'Where have you been?'
She said 'With 3 Wise Men and a Shepherd in between'
I said 'You've been cheating, I saw all of your texts'
'To that big band conductor, was it only for sex?'
I said 'How many times have you been with this man?'
She said ' Just once with him ... and once with his marching band'
Merry was crying and looked a bit green
She said 'I don't understand why Santa's not been'
'I've been a good girl, it's so hard to believe'
I said 'Santa's not been 'cos today's Christmas Eve'
She gave me my present, she could hardly wait
I opened it up to find a poisonous snake
I said 'Are you mad? It could bite me in the end'
She said 'That's when you'll find out that I'm a true friend'
She said 'Let's play a game now, I love Hide and Seek'
I had to agree although I'd rather sleep
She said 'If you find me, my body is all yours'
'And if you can't find me, I'll be right behind those doors'
She said 'Do you like music? I'll play Christmas songs'
She put the CD on but she got it wrong
Instead of the Carols or Wizzard or Slade
She'd made a sex tape and that's what she played
She'd been shopping for crackers because she had none
The shopkeeper told her 'These ones will be fun'
When we pulled the crackers, they weren't all that great
But Merry was happy because hers did vibrate
So a big family Christmas was all she desired
We all played cards as we sat by the fire
She said 'That little dress you bought me, it did make me blush'
She ran her hand up my leg and I busted my flush!'
Andy would be a good contrbutor to the Christmas Song Book